


War Outside Our Door

by bustybarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Mid-Credits Scene, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War fallout, M/M, Spoilers will be tagged, eventual spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-06-07 13:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6807487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bustybarnes/pseuds/bustybarnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Bucky get each other back and lose each other just as quickly but in similarly dissimilar ways.  The question is, do they get their happy ending despite the rest of the world, and themselves, holding them accountable for things outside their control?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Words Left Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> This was written after I was given a prompt on tumblr to celebrate my 18,000th post almost 2 weeks ago. The prompt was, "Either a quiet moment during Civil War (speculation obvs because it’s not out yet) or post CW, Steve and Bucky finally having a moment together to process having each other back. For reals. This isn’t a dream, there’s no war, they’re just both… Safe" I took a few liberties but I think I got there. No beta'd and not terribly long. One little prompt turned into a series of ficlets. Who knew I had it in me?

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

Steve blinked and immediately looked away. Bucky’s voice was low enough for just the two of them and he kept his tone as neutral as possible but the implications were hanging around them.

“Like what?” Steve went for the clueless approach, hoping Bucky would be fooled by it but knowing better. He glanced over quickly to check if it had worked.

It hadn’t.

Bucky’s face was outwardly neutral but his eyes...they always had given away what he was thinking and feeling. Now, they were full of doubt and a hint of annoyance. The doubt...that’s what ended up pulling the truth out of Steve.

“I keep expecting to wake up, all this having been a horrible dream. Not you, that’s not the horrible part. The horrible part being how and why you’re here. I just...none of it seems real, ya know?” Steve curled in on himself. It was a holdover from being so small. Something about the affectation must have struck a familiar chord in Bucky because he immediately took a step forward, his hand out offering comfort the way he used to.

“I get that. For the longest time, even though I had no idea who you were anymore, I would dream about you and wonder if you were real. Then, that day on the bridge, I just knew. On some level, I knew you were real and that you were important but not the way or for the reasons I was given. But this,” he motioned around the small apartment they were holed up in, “still feels like a dream, too. Like you’re too good to be real...but that’s not exactly a new sensation.”

Steve’s heart broke. Bucky hadn’t talked about...before...much, hardly at all actually, but this, now? This was a vulnerability that Steve could count on one hand the number of times he’d ever seen from Bucky growing up. The last time had been after Azzano. 

They’d spent so much time on the run since finding each other again. It felt so familiar to Steve...fighting with Bucky at his side, watching his back. If he closed his eyes, he could almost fool himself into believing they were back in the war. But knowing what Zola had started in Azzano colored those memories.

Their eyes met and there was a flash of remembrance behind Bucky’s eyes, like a curtain being drawn back or the sun rising. Steve reached out, telegraphing his movement so Bucky would expect his touch and hopefully allow it. Not only did he allow Steve’s hand on his but he turned his hand and laced their fingers together.

“Stevie…” The longing in a simple nickname made Steve’s heart race. He didn’t know how to react. Well, that wasn’t true. More than anything, he wanted to pull Bucky to him and wrap him in his arms but, at the same time, he didn’t want to overstep and make the other man uncomfortable.  
Bucky, ever full of surprises, walked over and dropped his head onto Steve’s shoulder, his hands coming to rest on Steve’s waist hesitantly. Steve wasn’t about to let the moment pass by, slipping his hands around Bucky’s torso lightly, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“Are you really here or am I still in the ice?” Steve’s voice was muffled against Bucky’s hair.

“I’m not sure both of us aren’t still on ice but I don’t care as long as I have you.”

The creak of a door opening broke through the reverie. He felt Bucky tense in his arms as his head snapped up to see who it was. Wanda radiating sincerity as well as a hesitancy at intruding on their time. She didn’t say anything but Steve knew what was going on. They had to leave, to stay ahead of the people trying to take Bucky away from him again.

Bucky pulled back with a sad smile but leaned forward so their foreheads touched, their breath mingling. Steve wanted to promise nothing bad would happen to them and that no one would ever hurt him again but this wasn’t a time for words, potentially empty reassurances, or speeches. This was a time for actions. He pressed his lips to Bucky’s lightly, all the promises and assurances he was too afraid to make in the kiss. Bucky sighed into the kiss, almost acknowledging all the things neither of them had the nerve, or time, to say.


	2. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CACW SPOILERS! This deals with the mid-credits scene and Steve reminisces about finding Bucky again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, if you haven't seen Civil War and don't know about the mid-credits scene and want to remain unspoiled, DO NOT READ THIS.

“Ya know, when I saw you on the street in DC, my heart actually skipped a beat for the first time in 60 years. I’d forgotten what that sensation felt like. But all it took was seeing your mug. My stomach dropped to my toes and I swear to God I thought I was hallucinating from that rocket launcher blast you hit me with. But there you were, plain as day and looking like death warmed over, which, come to find out, you kind of were. And when you didn’t know your own name, my heart shattered into so many pieces. But I knew I’d get you back because there was a glimmer of recognition in those amazing eyes of yours. That’s when I knew it wasn’t completely hopeless.”

Tears snuck down Steve’s face but he ignored them. He concentrated on everything he’d felt those fateful days bringing down HYDRA. “And when I saw you on the helicarrier...I had no idea what they’d done to you but that spark was just...gone. So I took every punch, every hit, every bullet because I was just biding my time until I could jar something...some memory or flash of recognition. Every time I hit you hurt worse than anything you came back with, even the bullets. In fact, the only reason that last bullet stopped me was because I knew...I just knew...I was about to lose you again. And I did...I had to watch again, albeit from a different angle, as you slipped away from me. I honestly didn’t care if I died or not, until I woke up in the hospital and Sam said there were witnesses who saw someone matching your description pulling me out of the Potomac. I knew there was a chance, if you could go from non-stop trying to kill me to saving me, there was a chance you were still in there somewhere. I swore that first day, when I was still on the mend and confined to yet another hospital bed, that I’d find you and never let you go again.”

“I walked away from everything, my whole life, to look for you. I didn’t care about anything but finding you and bringing you home. But you, in typical fashion, had other ideas. I chased you all across the globe but you didn’t want to be found. So, eventually, I had to stop and go back to work. The world didn’t stop because you were in it. But my heart was never in it. Sam, being the good guy he is, kept looking for me but, every time he checked in with no progress, I started to despair a little more. Were we ever gonna find you? And, if we did, who would we find, the Winter Soldier or some form of Bucky Barnes, the Bucky that I knew or some new person worn down by HYDRA.”

Steve chuckled. “And of course it turns out I was closer to you in Sokovia than ever, when I’d finally found something else to concentrate on. But you were right there in Romania of all places...all it would’ve taken was one trip to Bucharest and...no. You didn’t want to be found, not even by me. You probably weren’t even in Romania for all the Sokovia...mess. At least I hope you weren’t.” 

“What did you go through, all on your own for the first time in 70 years? You clearly know your way around and how to avoid being seen but did you ever have anyone looking after you? That little apartment in Bucharest...it reminded me of our place back in Brooklyn. The cupboards barely stocked...and chocolate bars. You always did have a sweet tooth. But when you knew me, that day, I knew. I just knew there was hope. But I always was an idealist...a dreamer, romantic, whatever you wanna call it. But I couldn’t help it. I was lost again, just like I was when I woke up in this new century. I’d just buried Peggy and I was all alone again. Even knowing you were out there wasn’t enough. I needed you in my life properly. And hearing you say my name was the best thing I’ve ever heard since I found you in that lab in Azzano, chanting your name and serial number. I couldn’t believe you were right there, within arm’s reach, and you knew who I was. I almost thought we could just walk away and get to know each other again but, of course, the world had different plans. But there you were, right there living and breathing and I was ready to burn the entire world to the ground to keep you safe.” 

“You said you didn’t think you were worth the things I did but you were and you are. You’re worth the entire world and so much more. I would walk through hell time and time again for you, to keep you with me and keep you safe. I guess that’s why I didn’t put up more of a fuss when you decided to do this…” Steve looked up at Bucky’s frozen face in the cryo tube. “I love you, James Buchanan Barnes, and I miss you so much that, somedays, it feels like I can’t breathe because of it. But I wasn’t about to take this choice away from you. It was so important to you to make your own fate, finally, and no matter the amount of heartbreak it was gonna cause me, I let you decide this. And I even supported it, knowing, well, not knowing, when we’d be together again.”

A lab technician approached Steve cautiously, telegraphing her intention to come closer. “Captain Rogers, we’re ready to begin.”

He nodded a silent thank you as he stood up. “Well, if there’s any justice in the world, I’ll see you when we wake up, Bucky. My face will be the first thing you see when you come back.”

Steve stepped over to the cryo tube that had been installed beside Bucky’s and stepped inside. The last thing he saw as the cold and medication took him under was Bucky’s face.


	3. Something's Lost But Something's Gained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER FOR CACW! T'Challa, Natasha, Wanda, Sam, & Clint deal with the fallout and someone comes back.

There was a quiet murmur to the room, machines humming along and people quietly checking to make sure the tubes were functioning properly. Mostly, though, it was just...quiet. Most of the time, it’s the same people but there were days when there’s a chair in front of both tubes. The occupant changes. Sometimes it’s T’Challa coming by to check in on his guests. Sometimes, it’s a young girl with sad eyes. Other times, a redhead sits there. Early on, all the attendants learned that these people were hiding here in Wakanda. Some of them talk to the tubes’ occupants. The young girl, Wanda, talks of all the wonderful things she’s learning to do. T’Challa tells them of current events. The redhead, however, rarely talks. She just smiles fondly up at the both of them.

“Why does she smile?” One of the newer attendants asked, to no one in particular. 

“Because those are two of her best friends. One knows her and the other will. But they both mean more to her than either can imagine.” T’Challa is the one to answer, his voice soft and low so as not to disturb Natasha. She’s eventually joined by Clint, who pulls her close to him with an arm around her shoulder and a kiss to her temple.

One day, there’s a new visitor that stops the attendants in their tracks. They’ve all seen Captain America before on the news but they all thought he was one of their cryo patients. But there he stands resolutely in front of the tubes, a shield in his hands.

“Hey you two. Sorry it’s been so long since I stopped by. Had a new job offer that I couldn’t turn down. Be a lot easier with some super-soldier back up but I’m making do for now.” He takes his helmet off and he’s Sam Wilson again. The shield is propped against one of the tubes and his jetpack is deposited against the other as he sits down to tell them about taking over as Captain America. His voice wavers a few times, enough for one of the attendants to bring him a tissue and a supportive squeeze on the shoulder.

He doesn’t stay long, making excuses about needing to get cleaned up and back to an altercation he’s helping out with. He keeps his head ducked down on his way out.  
This is the way of things. Some days there are visitors and there are long stretches where there are only the medical personnel with the whirring of the cryo machinery to keep them company. There are meetings of different doctors and specialists from different medical and scientific fields to discuss how to help clear Sargeant Barnes’s mind of the dangerous programming done to him. T’Challa seems particularly hopeful after one session that included Wanda, talking in hushed tones of the fusion of her mental powers with Wakanda’s best science.

That hope is quickly tempered when the cryo technicians are alerted to a problem with Captain Rogers’ tube. In anticipation of reviving Bucky, the technicians had begun the preparations to bring Steve out of cryo but his lifesigns, instead of stabilizing, began plummeting. The waking process was quickly halted and the meetings that had previously been focused on Barnes now focused on his friend.

“What do you mean, you can’t bring Steve out of cryo? It’s not the first time he’s been on ice and he was able to be brought out of it when they found him in the Arctic.” Natasha’s voice was tight and full of the emotion she was carefully keeping from her features.

“It is unclear. It seems that the cryo process has interacted with his version of the serum. Our best doctors are working to determine the best course of action but, for now, if we try to revive him, we could kill him.” T’Challa’s voice is calm, his presence reassuring amidst the confusion in the room.

“So we keep Bucky under until we know how to revive Steve.” Sam stated bluntly. “Because bringing Bucky out and him finding out Steve went under isn’t the best idea.” 

“Would you rather Bucky wake up and find out that Steve died? Because that isn’t the best option either.” Clint was playing devil’s advocate because none of them wanted to say what they were all thinking. 

In the end, it was Natasha who convinced everyone that bringing Bucky out while they figured out what was going on with Steve was the best option. That way, they could finish clearing the HYDRA programming from Bucky’s mind and they could compare the ways the two men’s respective serums responded to cryo.

Wanda was there, focusing on Bucky’s mind as he was brought out of stasis. She worked silently and with a grim determination to free him of the last of his programming. She had to take several breaks, the images and emotions in his subconscious too much for her to handle all at once. But she kept at it until she’d done all she could. They wouldn’t know if she’d succeeded until Bucky woke up and the doctors evaluated him.

Natasha stayed at Bucky’s side as he came out of the medically induced sleep. It was clear to those who knew her that she was conflicted about what was happening. But she held herself with such a serene calm that no one would think to question her motives or her actions. Someone brought up the idea to move Barnes out of the cryo room so that he wouldn’t see Steve until they’d explained the situation but Natasha quashed that idea with a look.

The reviving process was long and tedious. Some medications had to be flushed from his system, others Bucky’s body had to work through on its own. The entire process took the better part of a day. The others would bring Natasha the occasional snack but she mostly kept to herself, her small hand wrapped around Barnes’s flesh and bone one.

His eyes begin to open, blinking against the bright lights and stark white surrounding him. A small sigh escaped his mouth that sounded suspiciously like a whispered, “Steve…” but no one said anything as his head turned and he tried to sit up when he sees Natasha sitting at his bedside.

“You’re not who I expected to see. Where’s Steve?” His voice is raspy and there’s an undercurrent of fear to it. T’Challa, who’s been standing off to one side, motions for the attendants to give them privacy.

“Steve’s here, just not able to…” She stopped as Bucky looked around, his gaze settling on the other cryo tube. The sound he made could only be described as pure anguish.

“What did you let him do? Tell me it was voluntary and not...did something happen?” He began sitting up, his balance shifting and compensating for his missing left arm.

“He went in shortly after you did. Wanted to make sure he’d always be here with you.” Natasha kept her voice steady as Bucky pushed her away and went to stand in front of Steve’s cryo chamber.

“Then bring him out. Please.” He looked around the room, desperation written on his face and in his voice. “I’m here but I can’t handle it if he’s stuck in there.”

“They’re doing everything they can to wake him up safely. It’s just going to take some time.”

“Then I won’t leave until he wakes up. He stayed with me, I’ll stay with him. To the end of the line.”

Bucky sat down in the chair someone brought for him, Natasha silently behind him, guarding them both again. T’Challa left word not to disturb them but to bring them anything they asked for and left to let the others know they would have help keeping Steve company.


	4. Standing At The Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's awake but Steve isn't so all he can do is talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rough chapter and ends on one hell of a cliffhanger. Sorry not sorry but I had to.

“This is gonna sound nuts but you were, well, I had this idea of you all along, kinda like this imaginary friend. The first time was when they told me you were dead. I attacked the guard who told me, damn near killed the bastard, which brought in more of ‘em to subdue me. I saw you off in the shadows of the room, begging me to stop before they hurt me too badly. I just kept screaming for them to kill me and get it over with. That was the first time they gave me electroshock. But you were still there. You never really left. Even after all the mind wipes and programming, even when I had no idea who you were, I still had this idea of you. So imagine my shock when I saw you in DC. I thought I was seeing this figment of my imagination during a mission, which I never had before. And when you spoke? I knew your voice even though I couldn’t remember you speaking. Part of me remembered, though. They couldn’t completely wipe you from me.”

Bucky looked down at the hand in his. It was cold to the touch, the sensation in his metal hand still new. “Did you ever see Pierce when he was younger? He was the spitting image of you. According to the files Natalia...sorry, Natasha found, that’s why he was chosen as my handler. They thought that, if I did have any residual memories, that his resemblance to you would make me compliant. Little did they know that I had my own imaginary Steve to keep that from happening. And any compliance was manufactured through other means. But even when I didn’t know who I was, I knew you. I’d know you anywhere, Stevie.”

“You saved me and I’m not just talking about in Azzano. I’m talking about that day on the Helicarrier, when you wouldn’t fight me. Hell, that whole last mission of mine. You saved me when you recognized me and wouldn’t give up on me. And you saved me again by in Siberia. You turned your back on the life you’d made to keep me safe. Still not sure I’m worth everything you sacrificed. Not sure I’m worth the second chance.”

“Take this arm. It’s better than the old one, which was better than the one I was born with. I did a lot of bad things with the first two. I’m gonna try my damnedest not to do any bad things with this one, or as few bad things as I possibly can. But it’s state of the art according to T’Challa, which is better than anything out in the rest of the world. Plus it’s vibranium so it’s so much lighter than the old one. And I can feel more than just pressure. I can feel your hand. I can feel temperature. I can feel the air current in the room. So just imagine all the fun we could have…” His laughter was hollow.

“God, Stevie, what possessed you to put yourself into cryo? We talked about it and agreed it was for the best until all of Hydra’s programming could be scrubbed from my brain. Wanda and the docs just needed time. You had Sam and Clint...and we’re in a jungle so it’s not like you were wanting for things to draw. Why, baby? Why did you do this to yourself? And why the fuck didn’t you make sure you could come out of it before going under?! Being under the ice for seventy years and going into cryogenic freeze are two completely different things and your body reacts differently. Cryo deals with medications and shit. You should’ve had them run tests on top of tests to make sure that there wouldn’t be complications. But that’s not your style. I mean you volunteered for a never been tested super soldier program just because it got you into the army. You always did leap before you looked.”

The room fell quiet but it was a quiet that was deafening. There were echoes of footfalls up and down the hallway outside but the sound barely registered despite the relative closeness. Someone opened the door just enough to drop off a tray of food and pick up an untouched tray someone else had dropped off hours ago. Bucky had refused to leave regardless of the pleadings of Sam, Clint, Natasha, even Wanda. T’Challa had been by not long after they’d moved Steve into a private room but he’d not spoken, just laid a gentle, knowing hand on Bucky’s shoulder and left without a word. Bucky nodded off and been greeted with a vivid dream of he and Steve back in the Brooklyn of their youth, courtesy of Wanda. Steve was tall and healthy and Bucky was whole...they were happy. He knew it was meant to be a comfort but he woke up crying, the monitors barely registering Steve’s vitals.

“Someday, hopefully, we’ll be able to go home, back to Brooklyn. I know it doesn’t look the same but it’ll always be home. We’ll go home and find a nice brownstone and settle down. It won’t be like it was when we were kids. No talk about those fairy boys living together. No, you give me even half the chance, Steven Rogers, and I’ll make an honest man outta ya. Please, Stevie, gimme the chance.”

The doctors said the longer Steve went without waking up, the less likely he was to wake up but Bucky wasn’t giving up. But he noticed that the monitors were becoming even more erratic and Steve’s temperature wasn’t as steady as it had been. He was getting colder.

“Stevie, don’t do this. I just got you back. Don’t leave me here alone.” The heart monitor showed an even greater distance between heartbeats.


	5. Every Story Has Its Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cold. He remembered cold. Was it the ice? No. Steve looked down at himself and saw modern clothes. He’d made it out of the ice. So why was he cold?
> 
> Cryo. That’s right. Bucky had asked to be put back into cryo until all the programming could be cleaned out of his brain. And Steve had followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY it's taken me so long to get this chapter done! And I know it's short but there's 1-2 more chapters (MAYBE 2) and then we're done. The problem was I had no idea how to write this chapter until I just started writing it. I know how this whole thing is gonna end and I even know how the next chapter starts so I'm hoping the next update won't be as delayed.

“You have a choice to make…”

Steve looked around for the owner of a voice he hadn’t heard in 70 years but Abraham Erskine was nowhere to be found.

“What decision?” He called back but there was no answer. Steve walked and walked but the fog obscured everything. He had no way of knowing where was he was going or if he was going anywhere. The last thing he remembered...what did he remember?

Cold. He remembered cold. Was it the ice? No. Steve looked down at himself and saw modern clothes. He’d made it out of the ice. So why was he cold?

Cryo. That’s right. Bucky had asked to be put back into cryo until all the programming could be cleaned out of his brain. And Steve had followed.

“Why’d you do that, Stevie? You promised to be there when I woke up…” Bucky’s voice was like a whisper, wrapping around him, burrowing under his skin. But Bucky was asleep, safely away from any danger his mind could put him in. 

So Steve ignored the pull of his voice, wandering around aimlessly amid murmurs and whispers in the cold fog. He could hear Peggy, as strong and sure as the day he’d met her at Camp Lehigh, bossing the other recruits around. He could even hear his ma’s voice, telling him not to stay out in the cold too long. He smiled and called back that he’d be in soon, knowing she couldn’t really answer.

But then he heard Tony’s voice, full of hatred and condemnation. That was the voice that stopped Steve in his tracks. He’d never understood Tony but they’d finally, after so many years, come to a mutual respect. But the spite in his voice when he taunted Steve with the fact that the shield didn’t really belong to him along with the fear in his eyes just moments before...well, Tony said he wanted to see Steve’s dark side.

“C’mon...come back to me…” There was Bucky’s voice again, quiet and pleading. He knew it was just his subconscious but Bucky sounded so...desperate. Still, Steve walked on.

It had been a cowardly thing to do, going into cryo but Steve had had enough of living without Bucky. He just couldn’t do it anymore.

“Always so dramatic…” There was Peg again, her voice always so comforting but still not holding back on the criticism.

“So...what is your decision?” Dr. Erskine appeared in front of him, that knowing smile he always wore and eyes as wise.

“I don’t know. What should I do?”

But his hallucination of Erskine just smiles sagely, like he always did, and disappears. He knew it wouldn’t be that easy. The cold was starting to creep into his bones the way it did back before the serum when he could get sick, making his teeth chatter.

Bucky’s voice was muffled. “I just got you back. Don’t leave me here alone…” He sounded like he was crying, begging Steve for something.

“I’m here, Buck. I’m…” He couldn’t catch his breath and his chest was tight. Could his subconscious get an asthma attack? He sat down but the pressure in his chest didn’t lessen and he was getting lightheaded. He couldn’t feel his hands and feet anymore and the sensation was spreading throughout his body. 

Steve’s mind was racing, trying to move his arms and legs, but the less he could, the more he panicked. The more he panicked, the more he tried to breathe and couldn’t. The fog was getting heavier and heavier and, even though he strained, he couldn’t hear Bucky’s voice anymore.

‘If I’m gonna die, at least let me hear Bucky’s voice while I go?’ A cross between a thought and a prayer came into his mind as his eyes closed.

“Steve...Stevie? C’mon...please baby just...stay with me.”


	6. Here In The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Time of death, three oh five.” The sea of people stilled as one lone doctor spoke, her voice faltering on the words. 
> 
> Bucky looked around at the medical team, some of whom were watching him and some whose eyes were down-turned. He felt Natasha’s grip on his right forearm but he shrugged out of it and towards the bed, towards Steve.
> 
> He was so...still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the tags and what's missing. :)

The once steady heartbeat supplied by the monitors was slowing. Bucky kept pleading with Steve, as if his voice could reach into the coma and pull Steve back to consciousness...back to him. He moved when doctors would come in and examine Steve but Bucky never left the room, sometimes holding Steve’s hand and sometimes cuddling as close to him as possible despite all the wires monitoring his vital signs.

And he kept talking. At first, it was outright begging for Steve to wake up, breaking down in tears while having to remember to relax his grip so as not to break Steve’s hand. But mostly, Bucky just rambled about things he remembered or asking Steve questions about things Sam or Clint had told him.

“Did you really let Wanda throw you through a window? Christ you still don’t think about your own welfare, do ya Stevie? Well that’s gonna change...I don’t care if I have be a one-man safety briefing…”

Late one night, Steve’s already significantly slow heartbeat faltered. Bucky had been almost asleep, the reliable beating of the monitors missing a beat woke him up with a start. He heard footsteps rushing towards their room and for the first time, Bucky didn’t move on his own. Pressed against the floor to ceiling window, Bucky was forced to look on as what had to be every doctor awake at this hour worked to save Steve. Natasha slipped into the room, Wanda, Sam, Clint, & T’Challa right behind her. He saw her mouth moving but all he could hear was the statuses that kept being yelled out about Steve. As long as they worked, there was still hope.

“Time of death, three oh five.” The sea of people stilled as one lone doctor spoke, her voice faltering on the words. 

Bucky looked around at the medical team, some of whom were watching him and some whose eyes were downturned. He felt Natasha’s grip on his right forearm but he shrugged out of it and towards the bed, towards Steve.

He was so...still. Steve was never still, not even when he was so sick that the priest administered Last Rites once when he got pneumonia one bad winter. But Bucky couldn’t get over how still he was. And his hand...was the same temperature it had been when Bucky had been pushed away just minutes earlier. He stared down at Steve’s hand in his, waiting for it to go as cold as Bucky felt because he felt like he was back in the cryo tube. He sat down, not knowing if he would find a stool or the floor but there was a stool to catch him, the wheels moving him fractionally closer to Steve’s bedside.

“You’ve never been this quiet a day in your life, kid. You were always yammering on or coughing or wheezing or something but you’ve never been quiet in all the years I’ve known you. Not even sleeping...you’d snore or ramble in your sleep. That’s how...that’s how I found out you loved me. You mumbled it one night when we had to pile every blanket onto our bed in that dump we moved into just to keep you from catching your death from the ice in the air. At first I thought you were talking nonsense but then you said, ‘I love you, Buck’ and I couldn’t breathe. I just gathered you even closer to me and kissed the top of your head and swore nothing bad would ever happen to you. Now look...because of me you’re…” He traced the veins on the back of Steve’s hand, his thumb rubbing small circles across his knuckles.

There was loud beep in the sudden silence of the room but Bucky’s eyes never left Steve’s hand, tears falling only to be rubbed away by either flesh or metal fingers brushing across the still warm flesh. Bucky brought Steve’s hand up and placed small kisses across each knuckle reverently. The beep was followed by a slowing increasing series of beeps.

“Look, whoever’s phone is going off…” Bucky looked around angrily but found shock and disbelief on the faces of the med team. He looked down at Steve, who still looked the same but...different.

He wasn’t still.

The beeping of the heart monitor was getting stronger and stronger. There was the telltale inhale & exhale of breath. Bucky dropped Steve’s hand and backed away, making room for the doctors to step in and allowing himself to be pulled out into the hall.

He focused his hearing on the now steady beeping that represented Steve’s heartbeat as his own matched the rhythm.

Bucky slid down the wall, brought his knees up to his chest, and tucked his chin down. One minute Steve was gone and the next...well, he could hear the doctors talking about respiration rates and how tests were needed. The takeaway was that they had no idea what had brought Steve back. Bucky didn’t care. He just needed to see Steve and for him to wake up.

People scurried by, talking in hushed tones, but Bucky kept staring at the floor and listening to the now steady beeping of the heart monitor. He felt Natasha sit down to one side and Wanda on the other, neither too close but close enough to let him know they were there. He didn’t speak, a sniffle here and there the only sound he made.

Bucky slept right where he’d landed in the hall. He didn’t mean to, had been fighting to keep his eyes open until someone either came to get him or until the doctors cleared out but his eyes kept fluttering closed until he was blinking awake to the sound of his name.

“Bucky.” An accented voice, soft and gentle, drifted down. Bucky looked up and saw T’Challa standing next to a doctor he recognized as one of the team that had rushed in to Steve’s room. He was standing in one graceful move that belied how tired and awkwardly he’d slept. T’Challa motioned him into the room opposite them.

Steve was sitting up, eyes searching the room until Bucky walked in, his hand hovering above the bed and shaking ever so slightly. He was still pale but he was alive and awake and that’s all Bucky really cared about.

“Hey…” his normally rich voice was scratchy and hoarse. “Guess I wasn’t the only one who slept through all the fuss.”

That broke something in Bucky because tears started streaming down his face as his body moved of its own volition towards the one man who could pull him back to the light. He stopped at Steve’s bedside but Steve reached up, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the bed next to him. The doctor in the hall started to object but something silenced her.

“I lost you. I actually lost you.” Bucky breathed into Steve’s neck, his left arm settling across his abdomen.

“I heard you, I think. I mean I think I did. Your voice...it was like...I don’t know. I just remember hearing your voice and knowing I had to get back to you.” Steve said between kisses pressed into Bucky’s forehead.

“What the fuck were you thinking, Stevie? Seriously what the fuck?” Bucky found to keep his voice quiet but there was a seething rage bubbling just under the surface. Steve didn’t answer for a long while, the two of them pressed close together breathing in the other.

“I wanted to make sure I’d be here when we could wake you up.” Steve’s voice whispered over Bucky but, instead of being a balm, the words just stoked his rage. Bucky moved away to look Steve in the eyes.

“But you weren’t here when they woke me up. You were still in cryo and then you. Fucking. DIED, Steve. I had to watch you die. Did you ever think about that?”

Steve closed his eyes under the accusations. Bucky heard the increase in the beep-beep-beep of the heart monitor that had become his anchor, grounding him to the fact that Steve was still alive. He took a deep breath and rested his forehead against Steve’s, looking for the words to convey what he was feeling but they weren’t there. Steve’s eyes were still closed but there was a difference about him now, a softness that wasn’t from fatigue but from something else that Bucky couldn’t recognize at first but, when he did, he sighed.

Regret and fear. 

Again, there were no words to soothe away Steve’s fears or chase the regret from the room so Bucky went on instinct and pressed their lips together lightly, mouthing at Steve’s bottom lip until he felt more than heard Steve sigh. They broke apart and Bucky rested his head on Steve’s chest, his heartbeat a reassuring rhythm in Bucky’s ear.

“Don’t leave me, Stevie. I can’t live without you again.” 

Steve combed his fingers through Bucky’s hair, nails scratching lightly against his scalp. “I won’t go anywhere we can’t go hand in hand, Buck. I promise.”

Steve alive and the inhale/exhale of his breathing cemented Bucky in the moment and, for the first time since before he left for the war, they could sleep peacefully wrapped up in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everybody who's read and commented on this ficlet series. I had no intention on writing all of this but I'm glad I did. You can find me on tumblr at bustybarnes.tumblr.com. Come by and say hi or leave a prompt and see if something like this happens again. :)


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